I know it’s a simple name.. Everything has changed.

I know since yesterday, everything has changed.

It’s been months, three maybe. Since that girl who used to be so kind, free spirited and strong was here. And people keep telling her, what happened? where is she now? That girl whom everyone calls, “ugly, fat, dark, small”, aha! Maybe that never changed. Those physiques. Also the never ending, never failing crushes and almost love stories she has.. because. for THOSE people. PAST. PRESENT. FUTURE. SHE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.

That. I don’t know. But do you know what she feels? she feels exhausted. She feels like giving up. Like there is no more reason for her to live. Like everyday she wakes up, is just another one big mistake in this world. She wants to trade her life to those who still needs it, she can just give it quickly if she could. If only she could. This girl. She doesn't know how to love herself because she is busy loving other people, she is busy giving out love to the people who can’t even see her worth. She is busy taking care of people who are okay but in the end makes her sick. She is busy making other people happy, forgetting she deserves it too. She is busy giving out money and efforts because acts of service and gifts are her way of expressing love.

But when. when will she learn to begin to change.. really change and love herself if the only thing she thinks of every day, every night.. is how to end this life.. how to tell her mother who gave her this wonderful life.. that she.. no longer wants it.

OH GOD. I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE.